Hues

Pink Streak

In the luminous yellow of sunrise

In the serene blue of daylight

In the mystifying purple of sunset

In the grey shade of the clouds

In the white blanket of the snow

In the green carpet of the hills

In the fiery orange of autumn

In every colour of the spring

I feel one, I feel home!

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Thoughts at 30

Ah yes, the big 3-oh!  Crossed that threshold some time back and I have to admit, I was quite freaked out about it.  So freaked out that I put my phone on silent and was off to bed early on the birthday eve, just so, no one would call me to wish and remind me that I had turned 30.  Crazy, yes, but guess I just wanted to believe that time would stop.  However, now that the feared moment has passed and I am… well 30… I realise that there are many things that have been both profound and foolish that have come to pass in these years.

So at this moment in time, these are a few things that I have learned and realised:

Growing up in a small town is a blessing in disguise.  It prepares you for the worst days as well as leaves you with the best of memories.

No matter how much you and your family might think differently or act differently, at the end of the day, it’s your family.  You have no choice, so deal with it, accept it and love it.

You can try to impress and please people all your life but will still feel incomplete until you start trying to impress and please yourself.  It’s sometimes good to be a little selfish.

No amount of vodka shots and cigarettes can ease the pain you feel.  By doing that you are just trying to fill the intangible void with the tangible.

You will fall in love, not just once, but several times.  And each time it will take you high with the same feeling of ecstasy.

You will fail in love too, several times and will reach the lowest of emotions, but that is not the end of life as you know it.

Still fall in love and fall in love more often; there is no better feeling in the world. 

You will trust people who will betray you and love people who will cheat on you.  But don’t let these experiences change you.

The definition of best friend will change into good friends and mere acquaintances will turn into confidants.  No one stays for life.  People keep coming and going to keep your days alive and fresh.

Take risks even if they backfire.  That way you won’t regret not having taken a chance.

When risks do backfire, pick yourself up, brush yourself and start anew.

Information about any area of your life (even to your family) should be on a need to know basis, it can be a lifesaver sometimes.  Not everything needs to be told and not everyone should be trusted.

Take a short vacation to your favourite destination at least once a year.  There is nothing more rejuvenating than being where you feel at home (that could be home too for some people!)

Dream always, about your future, your life, your love, your wishes, your desires.  Just don’t put a condition on them to all come true.  Some might, some won’t.

The worst of mistakes and decisions are the most heart rending painful moments, but they are also the greatest teachers.

There will always be a time when you will feel either one or all of the following – broken, useless, alone, clueless, confused, betrayed, fragile, depressed, anxious, pathetic, annoying, like a burden, distant, lonely, bitter, heartbroken, rejected, crushed, empty, defeated – and will mask it with a “I am fine”.

There will also be a time when you will feel that you are going to just fall apart any moment, but there will always, always be someone to catch you.  May not be in the most dignified and chivalrous way you would have imagined, but there will always be that one person, who you can fall back on.

It’s okay to be on the verge of tears, and it is okay to let your heart out.  Just learn to distinguish the person in front of whom you could break down without feeling sorry for yourself.

During the peak of your life you will have lots and lots of friends, and you will be quite amused to know how few are around when you get yourself in a sticky situation.  Just go with it because well deal with it, they are not going to see you through.  Your struggles are your own!

Don’t ever in your life miss out on the wonder of holiday cheer.  Take a walk out around the city during festivities.  It is a sure shot way to drive away the holiday blues.

Do the small inexpensive things that enrich your heart and soul – watch the sun rise, sit through a sunset, feel the mist on cold winter mornings, get wet in the rain, dip your feet in a flowing river, see the firecrackers light up the sky during festivals, smile and wink at children – no amount of money can buy these things.

Love yourself and be your own goddess (yes catch that glimpse on the car window while walking down the street).

You have a right to pamper yourself when feeling low, go get a haircut or eat a hot chocolate fudge.  Do anything to make yourself feel better, even if it turns out to be expensive or loaded with calories.

Don’t make work your life, realise that it is just a part of life.  Take time to follow your passions.

Last but not the least, believe! Believe that no matter how difficult the situation or how deep the despair, God will see you through.  Might not be a cakewalk, but will leave you a better person.

Abstract Supposition

This feeling of numbness does not seem to go away…..there is a constant heaviness in the head…..the mind keeps wandering to different realms…..there is so much going on that sometimes it feels like, a volcano of thoughts will erupt and engulf my whole self.

A longing for few things keep tugging me, the pangs of afterlife gets stronger, its making its presence felt in different ways….in different thoughts…..the thoughts itself seem to run in all directions possible…..from spirituality to relationships……from my past to my future…….the mind is not at peace….and the soul keeps craving for that very ingredient for survival…..

I have a constant feeling that I am going somewhere, I know not the way to it, but I know I will reach there soon…..where is that somewhere? Reminds me of the famous lines from the poem of Walter de la Mare….. “Could you tell me the way to Somewhere, The Somewhere meant for me”. There are a thousand answers I am searching for, but still can’t figure out, what the questions are……

There are a few relationships that keep coming back to haunt me….. and a few that are constantly at my side and still make me feel empty….. I seem to keep phasing in and phasing out…. Random thoughts, random actions….. life seems much more random and for the moment….. the trials and tribulations constitute for the better part of the day, but the randomness among all this is becoming more and more prominent…

The tug to reach there, the pull for the silence, the push towards calm, the random phases, the need to connect, all so contradictory, yet to related….. there are moments when I feel the beat of this universe and can hear my own beat matching the rhythm…. Sometimes I can feel the whole universe as one…. As one giant miracle, giving life to every being….. the magic surrounds me…. It buoys me to realms and dimensions that are beyond the description of words….. the ethereal calmness I have felt in those moments have made me more tolerant and more in tune with the whole scheme of things…..

The thoughts continue to filter on and the mind continues its journeys……